This past weekend, a co-worker friend took her own life. Her name was Tina.
Funny how you work with someone for some time, carry on daily conversations, share some personal things, yet when it comes to something as simple as their last name, you just don't know. Sad, really, how the simple things can elude you.
When I heard the news, I was floored. I just couldn't believe it. I have never been affected by suicide before and was just speechless. What do I do? What do I say? I stuttered for a bit, covered my mouth, eyes wide, and finally went back to my desk. I did nothing. I said nothing. What could there be to say. It was already too late.
Last week, she opened up to me a bit. I think the fact that I was on the verge of losing my job, along with many others here on this contract, and the fact that I nearly broke down in tears in her presences gave her the link she needed to bear some of the burden. She told me of her family problems throughout the last year and how much it hurts her so. She kept a most positive outlook on the whole situation--at least on the outside. We all knew she hurt. But we just never knew how much.
Death is a part of life. We all must come to terms with that. Some see that there is no honor in taking your own life. Some see that there is no other way. Me, well, I just don't know how to feel at the moment. My heart is heavy. I am sad. But, at the same time, I am also angry. Do I take pity on her that she had no one in her life to help her? Do I feel sad for her for the situation that left her feeling no way out? Do I feel angry at how selfish she was for leaving her loved ones behind to feel guilt, sadness and anger? Do I feel sad for the children left behind? Do I feel shame for not seeing any signs, not trying harder to be a friend, not trying to get her to talk more? Do I feel guilt for not doing more?
I feel all of this, and more. I don't think any one emotion fits. It's not a right or wrong situation. It just is. The grieving path is one everyone must walk in their own shoes. Death is a part of life. It is the only constant we have. No matter what you feel right now, time will heal. I know no words can comfort. Just remember and celebrate life. We must not dwell on the what ifs...we cannot change the past. Concentrate on celebrating life and moving on. It is no one's fault.
Tina touched our hearts while she was on this earth--whether as a passing brush of friendship, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife. Now it's our turn to honor her by remembering the happiness and light she brought to our lives.
The only thing I wish for you, Tina, is that you are finally at peace.